For some of the women reading this, you are about embark on a no holds bared, fact finding mission into your husband's mind. Let's get started with a few myths exposed and facts revealed.
Fact. . . All those 'share-your-agony / accomplish nothing' websites where wives-in-misery commiserate by giving essentially worthless advice about what did not work for them will not help you encourage your husband to be more romantic.
Myth. . . Your husband does not love you because he is not romantic. This false statement is mostly found in the 'share-your-agony' websites.
Fact. . . Your husband is not more romantic for one or a combination of four main reasons:
- Not comfortable with the emotional element of romance
- Too much stress or not enough (perceived) time.
- Not focused, not organized or may forget important dates.
- Not aware of just how important romance is to you.
Myth. . . By showering your husband with romance, he will get the idea, seek out his hidden inner romantic child and create the romantic oasis you so desire and deserve.
Fact. . . Your husband will become more romantic and your marriage more passionate for one of two primary reasons: (Or a combination of both.)
- He wants please you, make you happy and improve the marriage because he is basically a really good guy.
- Because it is in his best interest and he derives some benefit from changing the dynamics of the marriage.
There are three components to encouraging your husband to be more romantic. Do all three and you are almost guarantied of a romance filled marriage. Like a tricycle, having only two wheels on the ground (two components of the romance formula), you are not going to get very far. And if you do get anywhere, it is going to be a real struggle.
Step One – The Goal – Without condemning , complaining or criticizing, tell your husband why it is important to you that your marriage have a greater element of romance. Explain that romance is like a key that opens a woman's heart and fulfills her need for emotional intimacy. Describe what romance looks, feels, sounds and smells like. Give your husband a target, a challenge. Men want to pursue and enjoy reaching a goal.
Step Two – The Reward – Share with your husband why it is in his interest to step up the level of romance in the marriage. The truth is that while you are thinking of romance as emotional intimacy, your husband is thinking of sensual pleasure. One viewpoint is not better than the other, but they are two sides to the same coin. Tell him how romance increases the emotional connection that you feel and that leads to greater confidence in the relationship – in him. You want to change – increase the amount of romance – the marriage because it will better fulfill a need that you have (and should have fulfilled). It is no different for your husband. He will change the relationship – increase the amount of romance – when it fulfills a need that he may have.
Step Three – No plan, no action ! Men are, by their very nature tool users. Some use computers, others use power saws, the rest something in between. While there is no scientific research to prove this, the reason men are tool users is because their brains leak. Ask your husband to bring home three things from the store and you are likely to get just about anything besides the items requested. Same goes for the romance, your husband is going to need a little assistance to keep him on track for the first few months. There are online marriage resources designed to give your husband romantic ideas, tips and suggestions. The full featured sites even provide a personalized reminder service so that he never forgets another anniversary, birthday or special occasion. If you do a Google or Bing search for "Romantic Outsourcing" you can see what is available to your husband.
The challenging part to making a long overdue improvement in your relationship is getting the subject out and in to the open. Below is a letter format that you can use to get your husband's attention. Feel free to copy, cut, edit and paste for your own personal use.
Dear (My Romantically-Resistant Husband) ,
I'm writing this letter to you because I feel that our marriage could use a positive change.
I know that romance may not be your highest priority right now. But for me, it represents more than just flowers or a nice card. It is, for me, a way to feel emotionally connected to the man I love. For women, romance is like a key that opens a door to greater intimacy, more confidence in the relationship and, yes, more desire for sensual passion.
To me, romance can be gestures of affection that remind me that I am special in your eyes and in your heart. Its not about getaways to secluded islands you see in movies. But rather, a personal message, a thought, a break from the routine, or flowers every once in a while. Please do not let this rule out the romantic getaway, if that is what you had in mind 🙂 To explain it in another way, women have an 'emotional bank account' that needs regular little deposits. And you will be amazed how much interest builds up for you. Romance can lead to many things; a match that starts a passionate flame, the glue that unites a relationship, a door to greater sensual pleasure, the building blocks of a stronger marriage.
Without a doubt, men and women are different in their needs and comfort zones. I recognize that and realize you may occasionally want a few ideas and reminders to get the romantic juices flowing. There are marriage / romance building websites for men, operated by men that may be useful to you. ________ Is one website that is free to use or you can do a search for "Romantic Outsourcing".
I want you to know that I love you dearly and want our marriage to grow stronger every day. Romance is important to me. Share with me what is important to you.
Your Loving Wife,
One last suggestion, having only a verbal conversation is likely not to lead to lasting change. Remember your husband's mind leaks. If he was not fully invested in the change you need, want or deserve – romance will be pushed down on the list of day to day demands. The reason men respond well to a written letter is because it allows them to return to their cave, a psychological safe place, and have time to digest the issue. Your husband will take action sooner than you think. And if he does not, take control of the situation, sign him up and enter the important anniversaries and dates.
I have found that most men tend to initially rely heavily on a 'Romantic Outsourcing' website to encourage them to take action and, yes, overcome any initial hesitation. Remember, many men are, in the beginning, not comfortable expressing romance. Because, in the end, it is a display of emotional openness. It takes time to get good at being romantic and recognizing subtle emotional cues. The good news is that many of the most 'romantically-resistant' men go on to be regular contributors of romantic ideas – helping other husbands like yours improve their marriage. For a sports analogy, 'Even the best athlete was, in the very beginning, way back when, a rookie player who walked out onto the field for the first time.'