So his offer to keep the marriage is an open marriage?
Interesting to say the least.
Well, where to begin here?
First things first, if you choose to play with fire do not be surprised if you get burned. You chose to cheat on your spouse and there may not be a happy ending like in the movies.
Hopefully when two people agree to get married it is for the long haul. Relationships are not easy, as we all can agree there are ups and downs.
I came across this thread on an infidelity forum Love Shack.
The story is told by a wayward wife that sleeps with a strange man at a bar after going out with her girlfriend. This night of "enchantment" took place after a handful of fights with her husband. A long period of time goes by before she finally confesses and he explodes (did not see that coming). He thinks about it for a bit, sits her down then explains that he is so disgusted by her actions that he does not want to make love to her anymore. So he offers her the ultimatum of keeping the marriage if she agrees to an open marriage where he has sex with an escort monthly. (Now I am that the ones that is disgusted.) And if she disagrees then he wants a divorce.
Both made hasty choices. She cheated. He acted out of emotion too and came up with a harmful proposition. Yes, affairs are awful, but never make a quick decision regarding a long-term relationship. Your bad choices were quick, but healing is not quick. There is no quick fix here. The feelings will linger on for a while no matter what.
My wife cheated on me not that long ago. Before she cheated neither of us was very happy. There was no spark like before. Since I caught her things have definitely gotten better. We are both reacting to each other more positively and doing what marriage is all about: sharing.
I still feel hurt.
While your emotions are raw and the fire is burning do NOT add gasoline to the fire. It does NOT need to burn any brighter.
So what would have been a better way to handle this situation (in my opinion)?
What the Betrayed Husband Should Have Done
He just made things worse by even offering such a ridiculous solution. What does that offer even mean?
- Does that mean he has been thinking about having sex with other women for a while and now he found the perfect excuse?
- What's more important sex or the marriage ? What do you expect to happen man?
- Do you think your wife is going to say, "Yeah, okay honey, sure. Anything to stay with you. I was wrong to betray you and now you have the right to have sex with whomever you want. I will just wait right here at home and have dinner waiting for you too. "?
Ridiculous! I want to throw up.
Two wrongs do NOT make a right. Life is not logical or rational.
What the Wayward Spouse Should Do If She Truly WANTS to Stay Married (again in my opinion)
- Address his feelings more effectively IMMEDIATELY. She must be convincing about her sorrow and empathy of his pain. This will only be done in her actions , words and body language.
- Identify that two wrongs do not make a right in her own head.
- Do not retaliate by accusing him of wanting to be unfaithful.
- Do not talk about mistrusting him. That will just ignite his already burning fire even more.
Imagine her going out with the same friend some late Friday night again that let her cheat on her husband. BAD IDEA. She should fire her friend.
What she says should show that she understands how hurt he must be and even attempt to give examples of what she thinks he is feeling. Offer him a way out if things do not work after giving it time to think things over. Reiterate that quick decisions are what started this fiasco to begin with.
DO NOT STOKE THE FIRE, it could get out of control.
You communicate your feelings and what you think more through your body language than anything else. I ALWAYS observe my wife's body language when talking about tough issues regarding our relationship, who does not?
Wayward Spouse's Return Offer
She should suggest they take time and not do anything for a while. See how they feel later. Now is not the time to talk. Rethink things before talking. If after a while he does not want to stay then he can file divorce.
You made a rash choice to cheat. There's not going to be a quick fix- sorry. If he wants to leave after taking the time to reconsider then these are the consequences.