I sometimes hear from women who are in love with a man who has previously gone through a nasty divorce. This has often left him scarred and not too anxious to walk down the aisle again. And this can be an issue when the new woman in his life wants to be married.
I heard from a wife who said: "I've met a wonderful man and we are compatible in nearly every way. We have endless fun together and I am very happy. I can easily envision myself spending the rest of my life with this man . I love his children as much as I love him. The only problem that we have is our view on marriage. He divorced his first wife 14 months ago. It was a nasty divorce where they fought over custody of the kids. It ended up being very expensive and drastically changing his lifestyle because of money. he says that he will never get married again because he never wants there to even be a slight chance that he will go through another divorce. he says he'd never put his family through that again. Well, where does that leave me? I've never been married and I want that family and that security. But he's doing his best to make it clear that marriage is out of the question. I can not bear the thought of walking away from him. What can I do? "
I could feel the raw emotion in this letter. It seemed clear that this couple was a sound match. And the fact that there was only that one issue between them was sad, but certainly not something that could not be worked through. As I saw it, there were really two options. She could decide that his reluctance to get married again would be a deal breaker for her because she did not want to waste valuable time on a potential dead end. Or, she could vow to give this some time and then reevaluate her feelings on this issue at a later time, knowing that things can change. I will tell you why I like the second option better.
Why Giving Him More Time Makes More Sense : Frankly, it's my belief that perfect matches with someone who puts butterflies in your stomach is rare. Having a strong relationship with someone with whom you share the same outlook is even more rare. And yet, she had both of these in one man.
Sure, his reluctance to marry again was problematic and she was right to be upset. But the truth is, 14 months is not very long when your family life is turned upside down. Everyone needed time to adjust and to heal. And with time, once he saw that every one came out of the situation just fine, he may well change his mind.
It's very common for people to change their stance on things once the immediacy of the situation wanes. In time, the husband would likely not dwell so much about how his last marriage ended. He might start to remember the good that came out of it – namely, his children. Once this happened, it was possible that he might be more open to marrying again, but there is no need to rush.
This relationship, though wonderful, was not all that mature. So it made sense to stay the course and to continue to strengthen the relationship in order to calm his fears and doubts. Because at the end of the day, what this woman wanted was a healthy and happy marriage (and possibly a family of her own.) She made this much more likely if she gave him the time to heal and allowed for their relationship to be as solid as it could possibly be.
I know that it's tempting to rush him or pressure him, but much of the time, this will make him back away even more. You are so much better off making your relationship so good that he no longer has any doubts because he wants to give his entire heart to you when he has healed enough to do this without any doubts or reservations.