Understanding women in relationships starts from one simple premise: Women really are different from us. Sure, you knew that already. But you'll often be puzzled by women, since many of those differences make no sense to us men. And if you're like most guys, you'll just chalk it up to women being "irrational". But because you do not understand female logic, you are likely to assume they do not apply any logic at all … and this means you'll only continue to get blindsided by women's "irrationality".
There's no need to suffer that way. Women actually are logical and predictable – but only if you learn how their minds work. Allow us to explain … We've written elsewhere how women often intentionally provoke male anger by testing men, and about how bizarre this strategy usually seems to men. To men, anger is a bad thing.
- If a woman is angry, it can mean no sex.
- And if another man is angry, it can mean you being on the receiving end of physical violence.
Those are not good outcomes. But to a woman, your anger means that she matters to you. And to a woman, that is a good thing. Think about it: you get upset only about things that are important to you. If the big game gets pre-empted on TV by a political debate, you're livid. But if a documentary on the Philips-head screwdrivers gets pre-empted, it would not trouble you much.
That's one basic difference between male and female minds:
- To a man, it's the direction of another's feelings that is more important.
- To a woman, it's the intensity of another's feelings that is more important.
That's why women goad us: they want an intense reaction. The more intense your anger is, the more she knows that she does matter to you. That's music to her ears. Let's apply this lesson to a real life situation you might have faced: you're dating a woman and you're sleeping with her. Then one day, she announces that she's leaving – she's no longer "in love" with you. And the sex is over. If you're like most guys, you'll panic and try every approach you can think of to get her back in your life (and bed). But if she will not budge, you'll eventually realize that it really is over.
You may explode in anger. You'll point out that she's not all that great herself. You'll rattle off a list of her faults. You'll call all sorts of choice names. Your goal is partly to salvage your pride. Her dumping you means that she thinks she's hotter than you are and that she can do better. So you'll attempt to correct those mis-impressions. But your goal is mostly to hurt her. She hurt you and now you want revenge. That's why you'll call her all those bad names: to cause her pain. But unfortunately this strategy backfires. You'll inadvertently boost her ego instead. How can that be?
Your angry outburst tells her that she's still extremely desirable and you worship the ground she walks on. In fact, she'll court more verbal abuse from you because the initial dose was so emotionally rewarding for her. That's why most former girlfriends or ex-wives call you again to "touch base" some time later: to discover if you're still angry with her. And if you are, that's more ego strokes for her.
To a woman, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. They both mean that she matters to you, and to a woman:
The opposite of love is not hate: it's indifference.
You'll go a long way toward understanding women in relationships if you can keep that in mind at all times.